Post by "Electric" Joule Ortíz on Nov 9, 2021 15:53:51 GMT -6
Normally, home is a place you want to go to at the end of the day. Whether you’re just getting out of school, or you had a long day at work. It gives you peace, calm, and a sense of safety. I wish I felt that way about my home. Cabin fever was eating at me for a while. I’ve lived my whole life being dragged by my ma to psych appointments and court hearings, just so she can keep me on SSI. A part of me feels like she’s glad I got diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and anxiety, just so she can use me for money. Not like it’s a lot of money, but she doesn’t want me to work because then we’ll lose the checks, and she’s certain I’ll get fired. So much for moms having faith in your future. I had to leave though. Things haven’t been the same since I came out as trans, not to mention things were already pretty bad after I told her I didn’t believe in God anymore. Seeing her face drop and the light in her eyes die out will always break my heart, but I couldn’t not tell her, even though I normally keep a bunch of shit from her, even if it’s stupid. I’m just glad my brother Isaac is supportive. I haven’t even told any of my other siblings, and I don’t plan to. I’ve left that fucking house. I couldn’t bear to stay there anymore. I don’t know how the hell I was able to get this contract from Black Pyramid, but it’s my key to living the dream I’ve always wanted to lead.
Too bad I don’t know how to drive, but my trainer has been really helpful on that front. Although I should’ve known the reason he was so willing to help me. Not like I didn’t find him attractive too. I miss his long hair and beard though. He looked way hotter, plus I’ve been feeling a bit uncomfortable around him as of late. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have gotten as far as I have, but a small part of me wants to never see or hear from him again. Another part really cares for him and wants to help him as much as he helps me, although the things he seems to need usually involve me in some sexual manner. At least he isn’t forceful about it. Sometimes he seems a bit demanding, but once I get uncomfortable, he becomes more caring. Goodness, I’m rambling again. I always do that, whether it’s out loud, in my head, or in this weekly thought journal. There’s just always so much that goes on in my head. I guess there’s not much else to do when you’re on a flight to Vietnam, of all places. I can’t believe I’m even doing this. I mean, I’ve been to an airplane before, but only ever to the US and Canada. Going all the way to Asia is going to be a huge learning curve for me. Hell, traveling regularly in general will. I got so used to being stuck at home all the damn time that constantly being outside is, well, a breath of fresh air.
It still hasn’t fully sunk in yet. I’m a signed professional wrestler. I’m on my way to have my first match in Black Pyramid Wrestling. I’m on the card! I’m booked against Jason Wilds. No one ever believed I could do this, yet here I am, turning my dream into a reality. Not even my brother ever thought I’d actually do this. He’d always say it’d be a phase, like all my other hobbies. It’s not like they ever actually went away. I still skateboard, sing, and play guitar. I’ve thought about doing those things for a living, but not like wrestling. I’m obsessed with this. I love it, and won’t ever let it go. I want everyone to see the version of me that I can actually be proud of. A version of me that I can tolerate when I look into the mirror. Now if I can just have someone to celebrate with. I mean, I have friends, of course, but I don’t really have anyone that really supports me that I can do the same for. Some of that may be my fault. I was kind of shitty to my last girlfriend, especially with how I ended things. There was a lot I did back then that I’m still not fully ready to talk about. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to write about that here. For now, I’d rather be excited about the future, rather than dwell on the past.
Unfortunately, I’m also extremely nervous. I’ve been training for a while, but this is going to be my first official match. BPW has a lot of wrestlers that kinda terrify me. I’m hoping I’ll be able to adapt better to this than I did with anything else I’ve ever tried. There’s no telling how any of this will go, but I‘m not flying to a completely different part of the world just to lose my first match ever. I’m so excited to finally live my dream, but I know that doesn’t mean my life is going to be perfect from here. I need to fight my way through the competition, and I still need to figure out how the rest of my life is going to go as well. Honestly, I’m going straight from being an overgrown teenager to a full on adult with a career that involves constant travel, and I don’t exactly know how I’m going to handle that. It’s a big learning curve, and I have no choice but to be ready for anything that comes my way. Let’s hope my anxiety doesn’t get too in the way, especially now that I’m on the cusp of reaching where I’ve been working to get to for so long. I have to make sure to ground myself. I just wish it wouldn’t be so much more difficult to do than to see.
I’m kind of giving up the life I knew to be here. Not that the life I had was great or anything, but it was safe. Throwing caution to the wind was never something I expected to actually have the guts to pull off, yet here I am, flying further and further away from my family and friends. I’m going to be surrounded by people I only know through a television screen, and some that I have no clue about. These people won’t know Julianna, let alone my dead name. They’ll know Joule. I don’t entirely know how I’m going to feel about that. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not used to it, or because I’m scared of what will happen if they ever find out about me. Hell, I’m still not even sure if I wanna be public about the fact that I’m trans yet. Well, I don’t know if I even pass enough to do that though. I guess people have said so, but they could just be wanting me to feel better about myself. I do get a lot of stares, but I can’t tell if they think I’m attractive, or if they can tell that something isn’t quite right in their eyes about me. Maybe this is a mis–
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, ma’am. Is everything okay?
Joule: Huh? Oh. Yeah. I’m fine. I’m just not used to long flights like this, I guess.
Attendant: I understand. Is there anything I can get for you?
Joule: Water should be fine, thanks.
Attendant: I’ll get that for you right away then.
Okay. She called me ma’am. That’s good. Maybe it’s time I call it for the thought journal this week. Least I brought my laptop and Switch to keep my mind at bay until I get off this flight. I think sitting here just has me too restless, so my mind’s running too fast for me to handle too well. I’ll be able to move a lot more once I land. I… don’t know why I’m still writing. Okay. No more thinking. Just music and gaming, then Vietnam and wrestling. Get ready BPW, because here comes “Electric” Joule Ortiz!